PINTO

Nakasasabik isipin ang mga gagawin ko sa araw na ito. Pupunta ako sa isang malapit na mall at susulitin ang tinatawag na “Me Time.” Tutal, wala naman talagang “We” kaya wala naman akong pagpipiliang iba kundi “Me.”

Tulad ng dati, nasa tricycle pa lamang ay iniisip ko na kung ano ang oorderin ko mula sa paborito kong kapihan. Kapihan nga ito pero hindi ako umoorder ng kanilang kape, ayos di ba? Alam ko na din kung saan ako uupo, doon pa rin sa dati, at aasa muli sa isang oras na libreng internet connection. Pipiliting patagalin ang inumin ng isang oras o higit pa.

“Hello po Ma’am! Ano pong drink ninyo?” Nakangiting tanong ng Barista.

“Choco Chip Cream Frappe please.” May halong pananabik kong wika.

“Naku! Ma’am sorry po wala na pong chips na available for the drink.”

“Ganoon ba?” May pagkabigo ang himig ng boses kong sagot. “Strawberries and Cream na lang saka… Wala din ung cake na gusto ko.”

“May ibang options pa ma’am.” Nakangiting wika pa din ng crew.

“Sige. Yun na lang…” Pabuntong-hininga kong sagot.

Nasira na agad ang naisip kong plano pero hayaan na lamang. Matapos magbayad ay humanap na ako ng aking puwesto. Bakante ang paborito kong puwesto kung saan ako lagi naupo mag-isa kasama ng aking napiling inumin at pagkain.

Gustong gusto ko sa tabi ng salaming dingding ng establisyamentong ito. Dito kung saan nakikita ko ang lahat ng napasok sa mall. Nakikita ko ang ngiti ng bawat isang napasok sa mall. Ngiting na akala mo laging unang beses nila makapasok sa loob nito. Hindi ba nila naiisip na maginaw sa loob? Hindi ba nila maiisip na limitado ang mauupuan at mapapagod sila sa kakaikot? Siguro nakangiti sila dahil hindi sila nag-iisa: pipili ng damit o gamit ng may kasama, kakain ng may kasama, maglilibot ng may kasama, at tatawa sa pagitan ng bawat gawi at kilos ng may kasama. Minsan pa ay hindi alintana kung maubos man ang kanilang pera basta mahalaga ay mapasaya ang kasama nila.

Bakit nga ba mukhang sa akin lamang madaya ang tadhana? At kailan ko ba tinanggap na matalik na kaibigan ang pag-iisa?

Sa pagitan nang aking pagmumuni-muni at pag-iisip ng kasadlakan ng aking damdamin ay napukaw ng aking cellphone ang aking atensyon. May nagvibrate. May nagreact ng puso sa aking larawan na pinost sa facebook. Larawan ng inumin at pagkaing wala naman talaga sa aking plano pero nagawan pa din lagyan ng kaaya-ayang caption. Si Jason pala, isang kaibigan mula sa nakaraang naging masaya ako sa buhay ko bilang isang masigasig na mag-aaral. May mga nakaraan pa rin palang hindi kailangan kalimutan at iyon ay ang mga kaibigan.

Nasundan ito ng isang mensahe. Malapit lang daw siya sa mall at magkita daw kami. Pumayag naman ako (agad?). Bahala na, kasi ang totoo ay naghahanap din naman talaga ako ng kasama at kausap kahit sinasabi ng aking bibig na hindi. Ihahanda ko na ang sarili ko sa kamustahan dahil matagal din kaming hindi nagkita ni Jason.

Ngiti ang agad niyang sinalubong sa akin noong nagtanaw nya ako at nagtama ang aming mga mata. Ako noo’y nasa loob ng kapihan at siya naman ay nasa labas. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at sumenyas gamit ang aking kamay na “wait lang” at walang tinig mula sa aking bibig na “lalabas na ako.” Pinagbuksan nya ako ng pintuang salamin at paglabas ko ay naibsan ag panlalamig na nadarama ko sa loob ng kapihan. Kailan pa uminit sa mall? Mainit pala sa pakiramdam ang pagpapakita ng tunay na ngiti.

Hinihintay ko na tanungin nya ako, sa pagitan ng mga kwento at mga tawanan. Hinihintay ko na tanungin nya ako sa pagitan ng pag-alala sa panahon ng kadugyutan at kabataan. At sa lahat ng nakakuwentuhan ko, siya lamang ang hindi nagtanong ng pinakamasakit na tanong na kung okay lang ba ako.

Nag-ikot. Nagtawanan. Kumain. Nagawa ko muli ito ng hindi nag-iisa. Nalimot ang ilang buwang kalungkutan dala ng aking pag-iisa at kabiguan. Makulay pala ang mundo. Hindi pala nakakairita ang tinig at halakhakang aking ayaw mapakinggan. Maganda pala ang mundo.

At sa na ito, ako mismo ang sasagot sa tanong na aking iniiwasan. Okay lang ba ako? At ang sagot ko ay Oo, okay na ako. Handa na ako tumawa nang walang halong pagdurusa. Handa na ako ngumiti  mula sa aking puso. Handa na ako buksan ang pinto na aking kinandado.

MY REAL DREAM

“Hi Trixie,” Owen said as he passed by our village’s playground.

“Where are you going, Kuya Owen?” I asked him and looked at my Clara holding hands with him tightly. They were dressed as if they have a date somewhere.

“At the nearest mall,” he answered me back with a smile. “See you later!”

            Looking at their sweet gestures made me sigh a hundred times as I went home. After seeing them, it made me feel bad and quit playing with my playmates in our village. I am tired of playing jumping ropes, Chinese garters and jack-n-stones. I’d rather play with my Barbie alone.

            I wish I am like Barbie: sexy, tall and beautiful. I don’t want to be a cute eight year old girl, as Owen always says. I want him to tell me I am as beautiful as Clara, my dear sister, or much more beautiful than she does.

“Trixie, it’s time for bed!” my Mom shouted at me like she always does.

It was eight o’clock. I am about to close my window when I saw them coming. And with my surprise, I saw them kissing before Clara entered our house. I feel furious, or better said jealous.

            I went to sleep thinking about Owen’s kiss. Was it sweet? Was it magical? How I wish I was the one he kissed. And there at that moment, I fell asleep.

It seemed I slept so short. I stand up and noticed my bed was different, my room as well. I looked outside and saw: flying creatures; children meddling on the clouds; flowers humming love songs: and graceful dancing grasses. Oh! It was magic, I think.

            I looked down and saw Owen, he was staring at me with his eyes where stars seemed to stay, and he said…

“Welcome to Fantasia, my dear Trixie!” He uttered clearly. Is it true? His endearment, his eyes, and his arms waiting for me.

 I turned around and saw my reflection, I am a grown up! I have a beautiful face, lovely strands of my black long hair and define curves seen clearly as I turn around the mirror again and again. I have them all!

Time in fantasia seemed to be infinite, but all those time, Owen was firmly holding hand. We lay on the pink clouds, we ate them too! We dance with the grasses as the vibrant flowers hummed their sweet love songs. Happiness filled Fantasia!

But someone in this colorful world wanted to stop everyone’s hearts to be happy, an ugly, wicked witch that holds her brown wand with his knurled hands and smirked showing her wrinkled face. She hates colors, sweet candy canes and music. All she wanted was darkness and broken hearts, everybody should taste bitterness and feel hatred. All good things were a big no, no!

Before the long, long day in Fantasia ends…

“Trixie, can we have our pledge of hearts? Owen sweetly asked me, “I want our hearts to be one, to be together for a life time, dream together as we hold each other tight…”

“Oh, Owen!” my eyes seemed to melt, “I loved too! And even not in a dream I am willing to be you eternally.”

            With the Witch’s evil ears, powered by bats and black bugs, she knew all about our heart’s beat.

“No hearts should beat as one! “The witch exclaimed, “No one!”

            On the day when our hearts will finally collide, as our lips were about to touch, the witch came…

“Who are you?” I felt fear, her dark eyes staring at me, “ Let our hearts be one eternally!”

“No one! The witch answered, “No one deserved to be loved!”

“But why?”  Owen asked the witch, “My love is true and can take away reality.”

“”Love is for fools!” The witch said, “So you are indeed a fool! You’d rather be a fool for that girl you’re holding?”

“Yes! If being a fool could make us happy I rather am one!”

“Sweet mouth, young guy…” the witch replied while taking Owen away from me. “So better send you to reality to feel bitterness and pain that you will endure forever!”

            The witch waved her wand, swish and swish, Owen vanished in the witch’s hands.

“Owen? Owen? NO…” I cried like my tears would not stop.

            And a huge hurricane came, faster and faster and faster as the witch waved her wand. Nowhere to grip tight and felt flying down, down, do

And that was eight years ago…

“Trixie, what takes you so long? “my Mom shouted, as she feel anxious for my first day in college, “Ed is waiting for you and you two will be late for school!”

“Coming Mom!”  I said as I ran down our stairs.“Hi Ed, let’s go!”

“Are you excited?” Ed asked me as we walk down the street.

“Yes! It’s our first day going to our new school.” I can’t help but smile and said to myself, especially I am with you.

            The witch was wrong after all, and this is my REAL love story…

Ang Babae sa Salamin ng Paupahang Kwarto

Sa isang lumang bahay na matatagpuan sa isang bayan ng Cavite, mayroong matatagpuang salamin na sadyang ikinabit sa dingding. Diumano, ito raw ay nakakabit na bago pa man nabili ang bahay ng isang mag-asawa na tanging hangad lamang ay madagdagan ang kanilang ari-arian. Ngunit ang mag-asawang ito ay bigo, sapagkat hindi nila ito solong pag-aari. Hanggang napagdidisyunan ng mag-asawa na gawin itong boarding house. Kumuha sila ng caretaker, si Aling Rosa na isa ring kamag-anak, at iniwan ang pag-aari upang manirahan na sa ibang bansa.

Maayos naman ang takbo ng boarding house. Ito ay nahati sa iba’t-ibang kwarto, sa itaas at sa ibaba, at tanging ang kwartong may salamin ang hindi nabago.

            Hanggang isang araw, may mag-asawang parehong nagtatrabaho sa pabrika sa bayang din iyon na naghahanap ng matutuluyan. Dahil ang tanging bakanteng kwarto ay ang may salamin, agad nila itong kinuha at binayaran ng upa, advance at deposit.

            Ang magasawa ay limang taon ng nagsasama, isang masayang magkaagapay sa buhay, ngunit habang natagal sila sa bahay ay patuloy silang may alitan. Sa hindi malamang dahilan, nawala ang dating masayang pagsasama. Hanggang isang araw ay umalis ang babae, naiwan ang lalake at nagpakamatay sa loob ng kwartong iyon. Ang sabi-sabi ay ipinagpalit daw ng babae ang lalaki sa isang malapit na kaibigan, ngunit may narinig na tawa ng isang babae sa loob ng  kwartong iyon ng araw na namatay ang lalake.

*****

            Lumipas ang ilang taon, walang natira sa kwartong iyon matapos ang insidenteng pagpapakamatay ng lalake. At kahit ang mga nakatira sa ibang kwarto ay ilag dito. Hanggang sa…

            “May bakante pa po bang kwarto?" tanong ni Lito.

            “Mayroon pa.” sagot ni Aling Rosa, ang caretaker ng bahay.

“Dun sa itaas, 500 ang upa, 500 ang advance at 500 and deposit.”

“Maari po bang masilip?” tanong ni Lito ng may kagalakan.

“Halika… Sumunod ka…” At naglakad si Aling Rosa paakyat at sinundan ni Lito.

May kaluwagan ang kwarto. Kasya ang isang pamilya na may limang miyembro kung my kakontian lamang ang dalang gamit. At ang salamin, ito ay natatakpan ng tela na sadyang pinalagay ni Aling Rosa.

“Sige po kukunin ko.” Sagot ni Lito ng may galak. “Kailan po kami maaaring lumipat?”

“Ngayon din ay maari na…” Sagot ni Aling Rosa at habang nakangiting binibilang ang salaping hawak na may halagang 1500 sa kanyang palad.

Naiwan si Lito sa kwarto. Nilibot niya ang kanyang paningin at binuksan ang bintana. Kinuha ang walis sa may gilid na sadyang  naroon  sa silid, na marahil ay sa dating nakatira. Inalis din niya ang tela at nakita ang malaking salamin.

“Jackpot pala ako sa kwartong ito.” Nakangiting sabi ni Lito. “Matutuwa nito ang aking  mahal.” Matapos ang paglilinis, iniwan na nya ang kwarto upang simulan ng maglipat ng kanilang kagamitan. Liban sa kanyang kaalaman, may pares ng mga mata na nakatingin sa kanya.

Nang hapon din iyon, nakalipat na silang mag-asawa. Hindi sila kasal ngunit dahil nagsisimula na ang pagdadalangtao ni Jenny, sa murang idad na 19 taong gulang at siya naman ay 20 taong gulang pa lamang, napagdisisyunan na nilang magsama at arugain ang isa’t-isa. Pareho silang dayo lamang ng Cavite upang maghanap-buhay at naging mapusok ang kanilang mga damdamin,

“Mahal, ang laki naman pala ng kwartong uupahan natin.” Sabi ni Jenny habang nililibot ang kwarto. “Magkano naman ang bayad dito kada buwan?”

“500 lang.” Sagot ni Lito habang abala sa pagaayos ng kanilang gamit. “Siguro dahil may kalumaan na din, pero mas maayos at mas maluwag naman kesa sa una nating nakita sa kabilang bayan.”

“Salamat, mahal. Akong bahala dito sa kwarto habang nasa trabaho ka.” Paglalambing ni Jenny sa kinakasama. “Papagandahin ko ito.”

“Pero ‘wag ka masyado magpagod huh…” Sambit naman ni Lito at niyakap ang kinakasama. “Pa-kiss nga sa mahal ko… Excited na ‘ko sa pagdating ni baby.”

Bagamat buntis na si Jenny, naging mainit pa rin ang sandaling iyon. Pinuno nila ng pagmamahalan ang kanilang bagong tirahan. At lingid sa kaalamanan nila, my galit na pares ng matang nakatingin sa kanilang mainit na sandali.

Lumipas ang ilang buwan, ang dating masayang pagsasama ni Lito at ni Jenny ay unti-unting nalalamatan. Si Lito na dati’y nauwi ng maaga ay laging nauwi ng lasing. Nasisimula ng makahanap ng barkada sa bagong nilipatan. Hanggang sa hindi na nakapagtiis si Jenny sa ginagawa ng kinakasama.

“Lito, naman!” Bulyaw ni Jenny sa asawa na nkaupo sa sulok ng kwarto at nakatingin sa salamin. “Alam mo naman na hirap ako sa pagbubuntis ko. Saka paano ang ipon natin? Paano na pagnanganak na ako? Ni lampin ng bata wala tayo, tapos lulustayin mo pa ang pera mo sa alak!”

“Si-siya kasi eh.” Sigaw ni Lito habang nakatingin sa salamin. “Hindi kasi ako makatulog sa gabi dahil sa kanya!”

“Sino? Sinong siya?” Takang tanong ni Jenny. “Tayong dalawa lang sa kwartong ito. ‘Wag ka ng maggawa ng kwento para wag ako magalit dahil sa paglalasing mo.”

“Makatulog na nga lang!” Sigaw ni Lito at nagtalakbong ng kumot.

si Jenny ay patuloy na naglikom ng kalat sa kwarto bago siya matulog. Akmang lalabas siya ng kwarto upang ilabas ang kalat ay biglang kumirot ang kanyang tyan. Humihilab. Parang may lalabas na mula sa kanyang tyan. Bigla siyang napatingin sa salamin at nakakita ng repleksyon ng isang babaeng nakangisi habang nakatingin sa kanya. Pula ang mga mata nito. Lumapit siya kay Lito. Naupo. Ginising ang kinakasama. Ngunit, bigla din itong nawala ng naamlimpungatan si Lito. Agad  siyang  napayakap dito at umiyak.

“Lito, alis na tayo dito.” Iyak ni Jenny.

“Pero, Jen, wala pa tayong pero pera makalipat.” Sabi ng pupungas-pungas na si Lito. “Saka sayang ang advance na isang buwan na ibinayad natin kay Aling Rosa kung hindi natin magagamit.”

“Pero, Lito…”

“Jen, matulog ka na. Masama sa bata ang pagpupuyat at pagiyak mo. Dito ka sa tabi ko.”

“Lito, naman eh…” Iyak ni Jenny. “Natatakot na ako dito.”

“’Wag ka matakot, narito naman ako ‘di ba? Baka umiyak baby natin… tulog ka na… Mahal na mahal ko kayong dalawa.”

Natulog si Jenny ng may takot sa dibdib, kaya nagsumiksik siya sa katawan ni Lito at nakatulog ng matiwasay. At tulad ng bawat gabi na nagpapadama at nagsasambit ng pagmamahalan sila Lito at Jenny, lalong nanlilisik ang mga matang mapupula sa salamin. Nagagalit. Nakatitig ng matiim sa magkaparehang magkayakap na sinusuong ang lamig ng gabi. Mula ng gabing iyon, nabawasan ang paglalasing ni Lito. Ngunit dumadalas naman itong natutulala sa harapan ng salamin.

Isang araw, habang mag-isa sa kwartong inuupahan, sinubukan ni Jenny takpan ang salamin ng puting tela na kanyang itinabi noong lumipat sila. Ito ang tela tinanggal ni Lito na nakatakip sa salamin. Malapit na matapos si Jenny na takpan ang  salamin ng biglang makita niya sa kanyang tapat ang babae na nagsilbi nyang repleksyon at nakahawak sa tiyan. Hinihimas-himas ng babae ito at biglang diniinan. At biglang…

 “Agh…. Lito… Agh! Ang sakit ng tiyan ko...Agh!” Namimilipit sa sakit si Jenny na sabi sa tulog na si Lito. “Humihilab, parang may lumalamutak… Agh!”

“Mamatay na kayo!” Sigaw ng babae sa salamin na may boses na animo galing sa hukay habang nanlilisik ang kanyang mga matang nakatitig kay Jenny.. “ Kayo ng anak mo!”

“Huwag!” Napasigaw si Jenny at patuloy na namilipit sa sakit ng tiyan na parang dinudurog. “Maawa ka…”

“Jen, bakit? Ano nangyari? Manganganak ka na?” tarantang sabi ni Lito ng siya ay magising.”Matagal pa ‘di ba?

“Hindi ko alam…Agh!” Iyak ni Jenny. “Ang baby natin…”

Dinugo si Jenny. Agad siyang sinugod sa pinakamalapit na ospital, ngunit huli na ang lahat. Patay na ang bata bago pa man diumano nakarating sa ospital. Hindi na rin maaaring mailigtas dahil patay na talaga ito kaya siya dinugo. 

“Lito, wala na ang baby natin…” Iyak ni Jenny matapos bumuti ang pakiramdam pagkatapos niya raspahin. “Kasalanan niya ‘to! Pinatay niya baby natin.”

“Sino?” Tanong ni Lito, ngunit parang alam na niya kung sino.

“Yung babae sa salamin…” Lalong napaiyak si Jenny.

“Hanap na tayo ng ibang matitirhan.” Sambit ni Lito at niyakap ang naiyak na kinakasama. “Hindi na niya tayo magagambala.”

“Alam mo ang tungkol sa…”

“Oo, Jenny. Kaya ako naglalasing para makatulog sa gabi. Lagi niya kasi akong ginagambala sa gabi.” Pag-amin ni Lito. “Lagi niyang sinasabi na ika’y aking iwan. Sasaya daw ako sa kanyang piling at ibibigay niya sa’kin ay higit pa sa ibibigay mo. Pero ayoko. Kasi mahal na mahal kita.”

“Salamat, Lito. Mahal na mahal din kita.” Sabay ng pagsambit ay pagpatak ng luha ng kaligayahan at kalungkutan.

“Gusto ko ay maging tayo habangbuhay. Pakasal na tayo, Jenny. At muli natin simulan bumuo ng pamilya bilang tunay na magasawa

Nawala sa kanila ang hinihintay na anghel.  Ngunit ang pagsasamahan nilang dalawa ay naging mas matibay.

Matapos ang ilang araw sa ospital, nakauwi na si Lito at Jenny. Nagimpake na agad sila ng gamit at binakante ang kwarto. Hindi na sila nagpasabi na aalis na sila. Hindi na rin nila nakuha ang deposito kay Aling Rosa, na hindi naman talaga mababawi dahil nagastos na marahil. Iniwan na lamang nilang bukas ang kwarto.

Hindi malaman kung sino ang babaeng ito. Ang alam lang ay galit ito sa mag-asawang masayang nagsasama. At kung bakit siya galit sa masayang nagmamahal, yun ang mysteryo ng babaeng ito.

*****

“Saan po may bakanteng kwarto?” Tanong ng isang mag-asawa.

“Dito po sa itaas.” Nakangiting sagot ni Aling Rosa at niyaya sila paitaas ng bahay patungo sa kwarto. “Murang-mura lang ang upa…”

A Free Verse of my Heart For Mr. E. L.

I miss you and your messages:  

Where you put all your thoughts…

Where you send me your smiles and kisses…

All I can do is waiting for four or five

And read every conversation I do not plan to erase.

Reading them all is heaven

Which make smile all day.

I miss you and your voice:

When you try to be Indiano…

When you get excited and talk like a real probinsyano...

When you knock me down to laughter with your corny jokes.

So I will just play your voice message in viber,

Playing how you say “Flag Ceremony”

And I close my eyes, smile wide and imagine you were there.

I miss you and your smile:

The smile I can only see close once a week in person…

The smile that I can see every night via Skype…

The smile that will be captured through the days and years in photos…

The smile that will be with me in the right time.

That smile which seems like a magnet…     

A magnet attracting me to smile in a gloomy day.

Just a smile from you and everything feels so fine.

I miss you and your face

The cute face that gets cuter and cuter every day.

The face that I can see in photos...

The face that I wish to see for every day…

Every morning… Every evening… Every chance…

The face that I wish and we might multiply in the future

Or maybe mix it up with my face all together.

If life and love will give a chance for us…

I miss you and all I miss is you

I can’t imagine life without everything you do…

The morning greetings and talks…

Your morning voice when I call…

The way you say “Kamusta araw mo?”

And “Puwede…” when we started to add plans in our list…

Our chats after work and late night Skype that last for hours.

The “Magang Pisngi” that we both possess.

And it’s too many to mention

And many more to talk about someday…

So let’s take this journey together…

Endless… No expiration… Forever!

Let’s feel the happiness of being loved and giving each other this true love…  

Hide and Seek: a Short Story

“Policapia wake up! Policarpia wake up!”

It was my alarm clock. It was five o’clock in the morning and I spent my time working all night. I did not feel sleepy or tired as I work in front of my laptop.

“What a mess!” My everyday expression on how I see my room.

I finished early and I still have time to clear my room’s dearest companions. I stood up and tried to pick up every mess I made: my scattered books, research printouts, used and unused clothes and stuff toys whom I talk to when I get bored or sad. I sweep all the dusk, crumbs and scratch papers I used weeks and weeks. I started clearing my corkboard with all the tasks I finished the whole night. I disposed my mountain of trash. All these became my assistants and its time to fire them. I fixed our family picture, as it hung with dust, just like how they turned into it.

My family: my father I idolized, my mother I adored, and my brother I cherished. Looking at this frame brought back my misery, their unwanted death which was caused by my carelessness. I was a princess turned witch as I made a fire killing my loved ones. If only I did it and not asking someone else to do it for me, they should have lived. If only…

I sat down and opened my blog. It was my journal of all my pains and miseries. After all, I only have one follower for my personal blog named Mar, who never tired of commenting and viewing every post I had.

And I posted:

How Many years should I wait?

I crash though I soar.

I smile as I tear blood.

I am remembered forgotten.

Suddenly, my cellular phone vibrated, it was my nagging editor. I told her lots of times already that I am not into writing if it was all about show business, the world of lies and mediocrity

“Hello.” I answered with my voice, lifeless. “I know it’s all about the band interview.”

“Yes, we need it as…”

“I’ll do it!” I cut her long line short. “I will be there at the office before lunch. Bye.”

Time to dress up with my same old clothes. What’s glamour for someone like me? I stayed 24 hours working here in my room and seldom went out.

This old pair of jeans and a striped collared shirt, put on few powder and ready to go as I wore my thick eyeglasses: my best friend day and night, especially with my  work. Were these eyeglasses my only best friend? Yes, I also had a best friend named Mar. My best friend… The only guy I trust…

It was summer when I carelessly lost my wallet in the terminal. He tried to help me and accompanied me as we walked our way home. We laughed with his silly jokes and even shared stupid stories. He did it though he can ride his way home, but he did not. There started a good friendship.

“Pia!” Martin yelled at me as I walk so fast and he tried to catch up. “Let’s go home together.”

“Okay! “ I answered him with a smile.

Everyday, we were always together. We were classmates, seatmates, and best friends. My four years in high school became different since I met him.

When we were in college, we went in the same university but with different courses. He took up BS Architecture; while I took AB English, but this event in our life strengthen our friendship. Now, our hearts started to beat unusually. We even became honest about our feelings. I graduated ahead of him but nothing changed. Until one day, that I hated all my life happened.

“I need to go…” Martin said with his voice trembling.

“But why?” My tears fell down. “Mar, I love you! You know that and I feel you also do.”

“My mom,” Finally, he broke down. “I love you so much but my mom needs me there.”

“When will you come back?” I asked him and tears fell down.

“I don’t know…” He answered back and hugged me with my surprise. “But please wait for me…”

“I will…” I hugged him tightly, if only I can never stop hugging him. I will hold on to his promises with all my heart.

High school reunion after seven years was organized and I attended it feeling excited that Martin might be back and attend, too. I even bought a simple violet dress with a touch of elegance, but it was a mournful event.

“Rachel and Martin got married.” Joy said with a smile. “That’s what I thought that they were meant for each other.”

“Poor Pia!” Jane exclaimed, my dearest friend. “She was fooled by Martin and that’s what she needs to learn her real lesson. Hahaha!”

Fake! Liars! Tears were uncontrollable and as the moment I stand, I ran as fast as I can, seeing no one. I broke down and seated on the sidewalk. After a few drop, I started living the life I have in present.

Martin… Why can’t I erase you from this mind? I said to myself.

          I rode on a bus to Manila to finish my task at the publishing house. I needed to catch up with the band to have my interview.

“Finally! You’re here.” My nagging editor greeted me.

“Where are they?” I asked her with a smirk.

“They were waiting for you at the lounge.”

I rushed to the lounge, where visitors and guest stay. The band members were all dressed up with black. Three of them have long hair and the one has a clean cut hair. I remembered someone as I stared by him. But as the neat looking rock star turn around, it was…

Martin… I was shocked.

“Pia! He seemed going to approach me but he did not.

“Good morning!” I greeted them and trying not to look at him. “I am Policarpia Garcia, I am the one assigned to write and feature you in our next issue.”

“Oh, great!” Kevin, a band member, exclaimed. “By the way I am Kevin, the Lead Vocalist.”

“Nice meeting you.” I answered with a smile. “Can you introduce me to the other band members?”

“My pleasure… Here is Alvin on Guitar, Nathan on Bass and Mar on Drums. I think you both know each other.”

I just smile.

The interview only took few minutes. After that, I saw Martin approaching my table as I work on the article about the interview.

“Yes? Any problem, Mr. Martin Ferrer? Want to add some more?” I asked him without looking at him.

“Pia,” Martin uttered with his manly voice. “Call me Mar just like the way you call me before.”

“But were professionals, right? And it is my job to address you properly.” I answered without glancing him.

He was gone from my sight, again. After that short talk, I feel tiresome.

No! Our love was spoiled when he got married. And I forgot to ask him about their relationship. Was I only forgetful or I just done not asked to arm myself from getting hurt? I said to myself.

It was raining when I went home. I was soaked as I always leave my umbrella somewhere in our house, that my Lola forgot to remind me, too. I sat down, turned on my laptop and start blogging. I posted:

Words of reminisce

Dancing freely.

With a tune of tango

Yet not in tune,

Still a beautiful art

I wished forgotten.

Looking at my past, staring at it that took me million seconds if only mu cellular phone did not disturbed my reminiscing.

“Hello…” I answered as I read my friend’s name, my business partner. “Do I have any projects?”

“Yes!” Her voice was so glad. “The furniture designer needs our service to advertise his designs. And also the realtor asked me if we can make them flyers for their newly design houses.

“Okay, Anne! I’ll be there in the studio tomorrow as early as I can and go to the site in the afternoon.”

“See you!” She ended our short informal business conversation.

It was a good start and I came and finished early taking pictures of the furniture’s advertisement. It was time to visit the site. As I walked along the hallway, a man bumped me and my folders fell as I tried to protect my camera.

“Oopps!” A familiar voice said. “I’ll help you…”

“Thanks!” I answered without looking at him and ran away.

I came early at the site to look at the model house. It looked familiar. The developer said it was the architect’s best design because it was made for someone he loves. I found myself comfortable inside. I liked it and if ever I can buy this house, I will. I waited inside for the architect because Anne called to tell me to wait for him even I finished all the shots I needed.

Seconds, minutes and hours, I stood up after a long rest and decided to leave the house. But it rained, I was soaked again. A car stopped and opened its door.

“Hop in!” it was Martin waving his hand to tell me to enter his car.

“But…” My heart again dashed to the endless race. The same beat I felt when I knew I loved him.

“Look at yourself;” He went out with his umbrella, “you’re soaked!”

I rode in his car with my great protest on why I did it. Was it my fear to get soaked? Or was it my dashing heart who wanted to rest beside him?

“I’ll bring you home.” He said with a sweet authority. “I can manage.” I answered him back without glancing at him. “Let’s sop at the nearest bus stop.”

“No! I insist.” He said with his hand holding my hand. “Here, wear my jacket. You’re cold. Where do you stay?”

“In my grandmother’s house.”

“Oh! I still remember the days we spent time in there.”

Oh Mar… You touches my heart as I real our stories that you still remember. I said to myself and look at him.

“Pia, I have something to tell you.” He said to me as hold my hand.

“What is it?” I looked at him deeply and waited for his words.

“I’ll tell you that I bumped into you this morning. That the house you visited is the design I made for you. I am the furniture designer you’re working on.”

“All this time I thought you’re not around but I never imagined it will be like this.” I said with my surprise. “When did you know all this things? That I am behind these.”

“Just this morning, even though I started asking for your company’s service for three years now.”

“You’re with me all along…”

“And I am Mar, your blog follower.”

Silence followed that moment. It touched my heart. All the incidents was it all accidents? My house was near and the love ride was about to end, until he broke the silence…

“I love you Pia…” He grasped my hand. “I came back to make my promise…”

“You’re married! Stop fooling around cause I won’t be another woman for you for the absence of your wife.”

“Pia, listen…”

“No! Stop the car…” I insisted. I went down as he stopped the car. “Goodbye!”

Two months passed by, so fast that I did not notice how these 60 days existed. And at the 61^st day, our publishing company would have its quarterly party for the victory of the latest released magazine where I wrote about the band where Martin was a band member.

“Pia! Sing! Sing!” All my friends turned into my enemies tonight.

I stood up, go to the stage. My knees shook. My voice trembled. This will be the worst day. And from the back, a man stood up, walked nearer and nearer the stage. It was Martin.

“Let’s sing together.” He said and held my hand near his heart. “Pia, I love you!”

“But how about Rachel?” I asked him not waiting for his answer.

“I am divorced. I marry her because my mother insisted me to do so. But I had my divorced after my mother’s death and knowing we do not work out as a god couple.”

“Sing! Sing! Sing!” the crowd roar.

“Let’s sing…” Martin asked me.

“Let’s sing our favorite song…”

And we sung the song “where are you.”

GOODBYE MEANS HAPPINESS

Will you shed tears when the one you love pass away? Will your make your heart suffer after someone’s departure from his worldly body? Will you wish to exchange your life for him to bring him to life again? If I answer all these questions, I will say a BIG NO! I am not saying that I am numb of all the painful sensations a person can bear. I also cry. I also give a sad face. And I also feel remorse and regrets. I know the pain of losing the one you love (and I experienced that already). I am not saying I am PRO-DEATH.

Death is the final chapter of one’s life. Other people will say, it is a way of making someone suffers. But others will also say, it is the judgment if you will be dressed in white and play with the angels, or you will wear worn-out clothes as you stay in a dark sauna bah managed by horned men in their red uniforms. Or maybe you can stay in between. If lucky enough, you will be given time to finish your “unfinished business” and correct your evil doings, like what we see on TV. If success comes, you will hear a choir of angel singing their welcome song. If not, prepare your lifetime membership for the exclusive sauna bath experience.

            But what death means for me? It is an escape. An escape from all the misfortunes, pain, sadness, sickness, and failure. No more cough and colds. No more allergies and no more utility bills. We are all free from all the bodily matters on earth, especially if you do good, “hello angels!” If not, say “hello, bad boy!”

I hear stories of sudden death, murders and euthanasia or mercy killing. If someone side with sudden death he’s lucky. No pain. No hardship. It happens especially when someone dies sleeping. Maybe he loves his dream so much and says, “I don’t want to wake up anymore!” So he does. If it is murder, it is painful and yet relieved...If he does not with that killing, the murderer might try to kill him again.Does anyone want to experience a multiple serious injury? Of course! No one does; if it is euthanasia, especially for a loved one suffering with his sickness for a long time, and even suffers it for the rest of his life, better make him happy by ending his medicine intake and sorrowful pain as he lay lifeless. Letting his soul break free from his caged body would be painful for his loved, but an ease for the sick body. No more pain for him as well. And no more pain in the pockets.

No one is exempted in this chapter of our life‘s book of mysteries. No one knows when it will be, what time or where it will be. It is just God who knows it. It is a privilege and a consequence of how we spend his gift wisely. Why cry for someone’s death? Be happy. Maybe he made God satisfied and it is time for him to be rewarded. And I can say I am doing my best to make HIM satisfied. And I am respecting his decision.

HATE ME, PLEASE!

I am his girl. I am well-loved by him. I am treated like a princess and he is my king. I am his sidekick and together save the world. I am his shining star. I am his everything. But I regret all these things.

He loves me the way all young girls wanted to be loved. He made me his priority. Everybody would say, “You’re so lucky!” Yes, I am lucky. Only few in this world experience this kind of privilege. But, look at me now. Tell me how lucky I am, or is he lucky to be with me?

Now, I am a sidekick who cannot save the world. I am a princess living in an abandoned castle. I am a star hiding behind the clouds. The hero is dead. The king is dead. There is no light. Gone. He is gone. How did it happen? It happened because I killed him! I killed him with my weak heart. I killed him with my coward soul. If only I am braver.

I do not wish for the material things I might have if he only lived. It is not the things to make me happy. All I want is a house and a simple life with him. No more castles. No more honor. All I want is to wake him up and together see what is ahead of us. But he did not wake up. He better hate me from the very start, he might live longer.

But I admit it is my fault. I let him sleep forever. I can wake him up. If I wake him up, he would be 12 years older, like me. If only I have magical powers, I will back in time and tell him, “please wake up!” but it happened already and no more rewinds. Now, all I can say is, “I love you and I’ll always be your little girl.”