“Love!” An old woman screamed,” “You ruined me!”
On her hand was a vial of black water. She sipped it and in a moment, she was lying on the ground dead with her pale beauty smashed by tears. Though death came to her, she was still tightly gripping their photo when they were still in loved with each other.
That was my Nanay, eleven years ago. She did not even bid goodbye to me. I just saw it the moment she blamed love. That seen made me tell myself that love is a taboo.
Living with my Nanay Conchit was an ease. She gave me everything after asking me to live with her after my Nanay’s death. We lived in a forest-like place that our family owned in a remote barrio, with mango trees bearing light bulbs served as my kingdom. No hunger. No envy. I grew up with satisfaction, just me and my Nanay Conchit.
Now, I am capable of love. I grew up as a fine lady, dressed conservatively and moved with finesse. But my face was my Nanay’s: her expressive brown eyes, her neatly drawn eyebrows, her lips with smile adored and loved by men, and her soft wavy hair that moved with her grace. Looking at the mirror made me remember her suffering death caused by love. Will I also experience the same?
“I will never suffer the same!” I said to myself, boosting my reality to a greater one than my Nanay’s experience. “As long as we are here, no one will ever come to hurt me.”
Time to time, Nanay Conchit due to old age, will asked me to go to the market to buy some supplies for our kitchen and for her wicked job. It was another season for us. It was our job to please people by making the person they hate suffer. It was all about envy, hatred, grief and all the sad feelings people could convey. Every time the suffering was done, I can see happiness on their faces. A successful business for us was their satisfaction.
On my right hand was our food, condiments and personal supplies. While on the other hand was a bayong of cheesecloth, black threads, and pins and needles. I also bought ingredients for the black candle for no one produce such in our place.
“Opps!” A big voiced and strong arm surrounded me. “Miss, be careful. You almost get head injury or bruises if you slipped.”
“Thanks!” I smiled at him. “I don’t deserve your worry cause even I is a stranger to you.”
“Oh! If that would be a problem, I am Alex. And you are?” He reached his hand waiting for my hand to hold it, too.
“I am Aya. Nice meeting you, Alex.” I did not hold his hand; instead I turned my back and walked away. But I smiled.
“Where do you live? Can I see you?” he shouted as I walk farther.
“Let’s see!” I smiled even more.” Maybe we’ll meet some other time if destiny prevails.”
The boy meets girl experience was a total shock for me. It was the first time I met a guy and gave me a sweet gesture. All day, all night, I keep of thinking of it. I am now excited for the time I will go the market. Maybe I can see him again.
“Aya!” My Nanay Conchit shouted as I did not notice her. “Bring this herbal medicine to Aling Kuring. She needs it now for her son’s fever.”
“I’m coming, Nanay!”
I rushed and gave the medicine immediately. As I went back home, I walked as if I am on the moon. No need to rush. But I heard a voice, I know I knew it. It was…
“Aya!” he shouted as he ran towards me. “I’m so glad to see you again.”
I did not say anything. I just smiled.
“Can we spend some time together? I want to know you even more.”
“But…” I am confused.
“Destiny prevails.” He answered back.
“Alright,” Finally I decided, “Wait for me. Three o’clock at the plaza.”
“Yes!” Gladness clearly shown in his eyes as he punched into the air.
“But if I did not come, it means goodbye.”
“I’ll wait. I promise.”
His words, his gestures, his smile, all of this gave me a great feeling I never experienced before. Maybe, this was the reason for people to continue loving. Now I know. Now I see. Now I feel.
It was two o’clock in the afternoon, all house chores were done. It was time for our rest.
“Nay, can I go out for a while? I met a friend in the market and invited me to walk around.”
“Okay.” She smiled at me. “I am so happy you have friends even we seemed to be isolated in here.”
I looked for my beautiful dresses, that barrio people gave me after helping them with their sickness. I also wear my new shoes my Nanay Conchit gave me on my eighteenth birthday three years ago. Putted on some powder and sprayed my favorite perfume I seldom use. I am ready to go.
At the plaza, he was there already, waiting for me. We had a picnic and strolled around. It was fun. As he tried to hold my hand, a magical feeling entered my heart. The beat was as fast as a running horse. It would not stop though I want to. I did not know why.
“Aya, can I ask you something?” He asked as we went back home, holding my hand.
“What is it?”
“Do you love me?” He asked as we stop walking.
“Is love the reason why my heart beats so fast?” I asked like an innocent girl.
“Yes! So you love me! Yes! Yes! Yes!” He jumped for joy.
And it suddenly rained, he hug me and kissed me hard as it became sweeter and sweeter. His words, his gestures, his smile, all of this gave me a great feeling I never experience before. Now, I am grateful to experience such feeling.
Nanay Conchit always let me go out as long as I go home early. But I did not tell me that I am in love with a stranger in our place.
Alex was having his vacation and he would gladly say that it was his best vacation ever. We will always stroll around. We ate in different carienderias and fastfoods, if he insist and even got my first Teddy Bear. He constantly hold my hand, hugs me tightly and kiss me if there was a chance. Our simple dates that nmade our love grew fonder.
Having a great chance to be with me, in a room, just the two of us made something great I never experienced before. It was love! A sweet passionate love.
“I got a month left to stay.” He said with a sad voice while we were resting after feeling each others heat. “I need go back to Manila to fix some errands there and I’ll be back.”
“I’ll wait.” I hugged him. It was skin to skin. And I kissed him back again that made the fire grew again.
After a month, Alex went back to Manila, and that was so sad.
It was a rainy day when Aling Kuring came to our house with a lady named Kim. She was dressed like the women I saw in magazines when I went to the market. With her plunging dress, showed almost half of her body, skinned. She also have accessories living few spaces in her wrist and hands. And as I first noticed, her earrings like pulling her ear down to the groumd. She also spoke with Aling Kuring like a tongue eater, eating her native tongue swallowed and digested. Her face seemed so thick with a rainbow of unidentified colors.
If baring myself even if I am dressed and covered all over of this face paint like colors makes a modern woman, I would not dare to be one, I said to myself.
“Conchit, I’m with my niece from Manila. She would like to make a request, for a great amount of course.” Aling Kuring with her loud voice but seemed whispering with her gesture. “She was looking for someone who can do it well, so I recommended you knowing how you do your job well.”
“Aya will do it.” Nanay Conchit replied as looked at me. “I need to finish these medicines and Aya can do it afterall.”
“Okay, Nay.” I stood up and called Kim’s attention. “Follow me.”
I brought her in a dark room. I lighted black candles and bring out a voodoo doll, I used to play with when I was still a child, that we all made on our own.
“Who was it that you want to punish?” I asked her while getting all the things needed for the job to be done.
“Oh! He’s my ex-boyfriend.” Her face became so sad. “My ever faithful boyfriend that found a girl, as he said, a total opposite of me.”
“Why he? You can let me punish the girl instead.” I said as I felt so nervous.
“He would never love me again afterall.” She smiled so wide and said, “He better suffer! Hahaha…”
“Let’s do it.” I said though I did not really want to do it, it was because Nanay Conchit asked me to do it.
“That’s great! This was my very much awaited moment.”
“Give me something he owned.” I reached out my hand open waiting.
“Here! His strands of hair.”
“Any other?”
“Oh! His favorite shirt.” She handed it to me like holding a trash. “I got it in his bag when he came back to end our relationship. His smell and the stupid girl’s perfume still lingered. Smells like love, right? This love which was about to end, now!” there again, I heard his mocking laugh.
I cut a part of the shirt, particularly the collar where his sweat was vividly lingering. I smelled it, the familiar scent of manhood and the manly cologne. And a perfume like mine? I attached it on the dool like it was its clothes and his trands of her seems to be the doll’s hair, too. Now, I am ready to give a slowly penetrating pain.With a dozen of pins on the doll’s side, a lighted black candle and the latin spell thought by Nanay Conchit that I already memorized, I started it and Kim’s eyes showed cheers.
I heated each pin one by one and strucked it to the dolls body: in his legs, in his arms, in his hands, in his shoulders and lower abdomen. One pin left, not in his heart, I will hit his head instead and it would not kill him. Body pains were enough for him and headache for hitting his head. It was only a punishment.
“Now what?” Kim, who was at my side said with an irritated voice. “What takes you so long? Struck him!”
“I’ll do it!” I got irritated too! I will hit his head, not his heart, I said to myself again and again.
I am about to hit his head when Kim pushed me. I lost my balance, making me lean towards the table where I was working on. And I found my hand holding the pin strucked on his heart.
No! I petrified him and soon met his death. It was too late to pull the pin to save him from death as it struck in it deeply, making the doll shed blood. I killed him!
“Yes! It was a success. You killed him.” Her face cxheered “ I’ll pay you more than I should.”
“Thanks.” I answered back out of courtesy. But I felt dreadful, like I lost my bones. No strenght. And seemed I teared blood as I cried as she left me alone in the dark room.
What have I done? It was not my first time to do this. But this was my first time to kill. It was a man who found true love, and I ended it with this hands. Washing this hands was never enough. It killed him, a man like my dear Alex scent. What if it was him? What if it was his errands he was talking about before he left?
“Poor girl,” she laughed so loud.”Alex will never be her’s.”
Alex? I killed my dearly loved Alex. With my own hands I made him suffer, I murdered him. Aling Kuring and the glad lady left. They gave the big amount to my Nanay Conchit, a big amount for my lover’s death. His death made me feel my death, too.
I did not just kill my lover but made a child inside me orphaned. I killed the father of my child. I did not die like nanay but I am the one who killed the one I loved.
Now tell me, who suffered the most?
